Recently, I hate being alone. Especially alone in my room, laying there, doing nothing. Staring into blank space. Because when you are alone in a room, doing nothing, you tend to think. I see myself doing that a lot and i don’t like it. It’s depressing all this thinking. And it most definitely is exhausting and is taking it’s toll on me. But I keep myself so isolated sometimes and the only times where I am surrounded with people that i can actually communicate with is when i am at work. But even work is a disgusting place to be in at the moment. 

The girls have turned nasty. It used to be an amazing getaway, work. But we’ve had to tolerate each other for so long now that we are starting to turn our backs towards one another. If there isn’t anything to talk about, bitching and childish gossiping would be the topic. You tell one person something you’d hope wouldn’t leave their lips but the next day, there you go. The words came straight back to you. It’s like a pathetic little maze which i am starting to grow sick of.

This all just makes me think and reconsider if i’ve been a bad judge of character. But i think again and i would say no. I’ve been pretty much bang on with the people i open up to - or at least, i’ve been believing so. Work is shit, people are shit. The only reason me going to work is for the money and for the times that i actually get to see the girls that i know i can rely on. The others can be two-faced as much as they like. But note this, I do not see you the same way as I did before because I know now.

Wow, came across an old letter that i had handwritten dated all the way back to the 30th September 2010. I guess i intended to give it away but somehow never managed to. I wonder why it was and what i felt at that moment. Had i chickened out? Or was the timing just not right? I cannot remember that far back. I don’t hold much memory of me and you cause i’ve definitely moved on with so much. I only remember the love we had for each other and the sweet moments we shared because you were my first love. Other than that, everything seems like a blur. Like as if i have to try real hard to remember those memories. 

The words that i saw and heard coming out of your mouth. Those words that i’ve been longing to say to you. I waited for you to say those words to me. Longed to hear them after a long time since my last relationship. And when you did, i should have said the same thing back to you, shouldn’t i? Cause i’ve been itching to utter those three words to you for about a month now. But i didn’t. 

My emotions are playing with me. I think too much and it scares me how fast we are moving in this relationship. There are days where i adore you and cannot get enough of you but other days i get real cautious and i instantly build a wall between us creating a gap. I don’t know how i feel or what i want to feel. I don’t want to be emotion-less. I do not want a heart of a cold stone. I have never been like this before. I’ve always been so care-free and so impulsive. But now? I think about everything in detail and i can spend hours analysing one small issue. 

I just don’t want to regret. I want to be sure that i feel the same way.

Wow, its been a while. So much has been going on and i’ve just been neglecting this space.

Kate Nash’s Nicest Thing is playing on repeat and i seem to feel sorry for myself. It’s the most pathetic feeling ever. I’m disgusted at myself but it’s inevitable. I find myself sometimes alone and isolated. There is no one to blame really but myself cause i do it to myself. I can spend hours doing one thing and just take my time and it seems like forever to end. I waste my time. I need some excitement in my life. Not drama. Cause i am sick and tired of drama. Nothing ever seems to be stable in my life right now. 

(via causeimfly)